Life has moved on rather dramatically since I last wrote on here.
Following my last blog post, I spent nine days in hospital with an acute flare up of my ulcerative colitis. This was a terrifying experience which nearly resulted in me having my colon removed and has necessitated me taking not only the immunosuppressant Azathioprine that I didn’t want to take, but also a Biologic medication (Infliximab) which two medical professionals described as being a ‘dangerous’ drug.
Not unsurprisingly, this has given me a lot to think about and plenty of time in which to do it. It seems that one of the few widely accepted facts about IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) is that there is a connection between the brain and the gut. This means that stress and your state of mind can impact upon the illness. After my recent ordeal I have concluded that life will never be the same again. I’m not just talking about the practical considerations attached to the drugs that I am taking, and the level of uncertainty that I will be subject to, but that my life will need to change.
Here are some of the ways that I want to live my life differently;
- Savouring those little delicious moments of being a mum to a toddler – breathing in the smell of their clammy little neck when they climb into bed with you at some ridiculous hour, squeezing their sturdy thighs, listening to their questions and thinking about the answers, having a long bath with them. It helps that my son is an incredibly cool and funny child. I’m sure I would think this even if he wasn’t mine. Today he sang all the words to the chorus of AC/DC’s High Voltage Rock and Roll in the van. I listen to some of the things my boy says sometimes and I almost need to press my heart back into my chest, he is so adorable. With having a child comes all this love that you didn’t have before. So I want to stop and nail those moments down, those memories. If I die, I’ve had this.
- Getting a babysitter. We have been out together once since he was born, and he is three-and-a-half today. Why did we think this didn’t matter?
- Spending less time worrying about shit. Like the backs of my hands going wrinkly and that our bedroom looks like a teenager’s even though we are 41 and 48 years old and whether the reason that some parents blank me in the nursery is because I drive a 12 year old Nissan Almera with a squeaking belt and dents in every panel. Perhaps they just ignore me because they are in a rush. Or are going through some unspeakable personal crisis and are close to tears. Or hate the English. Or are wankers. I even entertained thought of buying a new car because of the way I might be perceived. Yet I’ve never considered the cars that my friends have, or whether their winter boots are 4 years old and past their best, and if these things influence whether or not you speak to me then I don’t want you to. I also don’t want to be irritated by this.
- Meditating and resting. I’m not very good at this.
- Writing and not being embarrassed about it. I’ve talked about starting to write again for years, but am worried about being talentless. I then decided to start an anonymous blog to flex my writing muscles but this makes it very difficult to promote. I then thought I didn’t have anything cheerful to write about like the Unmumsy Mum and others. Thanks Raimonda for pointing out that people might relate anyway.
- Spending less time feeling let down by people for being who they are. For example, my mum will always find a way to be negative and make me feel criticised. I don’t know why I feel let down every time and need to find a way to stop this happening.
- Doing more things that I like or fancy doing or I’m attracted to, even if I’m not sure why or see no purpose to them. Wear the clothes that I’m not sure if I can get away with, the over the top evening dress with the velvet and beads and lace, the slogan t-shirt that I shouldn’t wear in my 40s, bold make up or heels at 5 foot 10. If I end up with surgery and a colostomy bag (which is a possibility at some stage) I will wish I’d worn the tight red dress.
- Spending less time silently seething / worrying/ anguishing / rehearsing / fortune telling, which will mean that I will either have to start saying or just let it go. If anyone knows how to do this, I will gladly take advice.
- Doing less things I don’t like. I’m 41 years old now and I know I don’t like fairground rides, activities involving water, physical competitive sport and anything that gets in the way of a daily shower. Although it is a faff at the time, I love the joy of feeling fresh and having clean swishy hair and smelling nice and I don’t want to entertain any horrific scenarios that will get between me and my daily shower such as wild camping (shudder) or festivals without showers. If loving a daily shower is wrong then I don’t want to be right!
- Standing my ground – particularly asserting my right not to do things because I feel they are too much and I need to take care of my health.
- Being grateful for what I have. My son, my husband who despite his many faults has upheld every single one of his wedding vows, my friends, a job, a house, a car, my colon, my career, having interests, my parents and siblings, my colon which appears to be hanging in there.
- Remember people have all sorts of things going on that I have no clue about so to be kind and considerate.
- Giving my time and attention and thoughts to those friends and people who deserve it instead of second guessing why people who don’t matter are funny with me
- Not feeling guilty for the times when I don’t do all of the above such as when I’m bored and distracted as fuck playing some inexplicable game with my son involving Rescue Bots and a PJ Mask hanging off a helicopter. Or for ‘unconstructive time’. Hello Candy Crush and sneaking off to read for 15 minutes.
- Given that the drugs I am on will basically decrease the likelihood of me being around for my son for a long time, I will devote myself wholeheartedly to bringing him up so he can navigate life if I am not around. I want him to be able to solve problems. Most of all, I want him to know how to be kind and to know that he is enough, that he is OK, that he is not lacking or deficient or needing to be different, that he doesn’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea and that is fine as long as he is a kind, considerate and responsible person.
So my point is, even without a chronic illness you don’t know how long you’ve got left and what the quality of your life is going to be like. It could change in a whisker. So be more you, do what you want to do, treasure the moments and wear the damn dress.
Oh and if you have any worries about your health, please go to the doctors or the most appropriate medical professional and see if you can get it sorted, don’t just press on through. Please humour me on this one, I’ve been ill.
themagicnumberthree 